So I went on a first date with this Chinese guy, who was really cool and nice, and we hit it off pretty well. But what's next I'm not really sure?
The date ended on kind of a funny note, with like talks of marriage and stuff like this..
I was just wondering if anyone had any experience with this? Because that is like WAY fast to be talking about marriage
I had a roommate once that stressed the importance of understanding that Chinese people always have a goal in mind. She was from Jiangsu though, people seem to be a little be more of the go-getter type there, and I don't want that to be the case but I can't really shake what she said off...
Anyways, I am kind of reeling here, I really like this guy but I don't really know what to make of this. Can someone help me shed some light on this subject?
Strongly suggest you go out with the guy if you want but simply refuse to discuss marriage with him for a few months at least.
So I've only dated 1 Chinese guy. It was a couple of years ago; the guy was from Hong Kong but had spent about 10 years in Canada, he was definitely what you would call "Westernized". Seemed cool. But yeah, after a week or so he started talking about how it doesn't matter whether our first child was a boy or a girl, and his mother would help raise it so I could keep working, etc. I freaked out and stopped talking to him, and he went a bit stalkery and texted me dozens of weird messages a day for awhile. I ignored him so eventually he stopped.
In his defence though, I was still new to China and didn't understand the cultural difference. Honestly I understand now where they're coming from; if one's ultimate goal is to get married and have a family, it doesn't make sense to waste a bunch of time dating someone who's not on the same page. To my American mind though, it just seemed loony. Oh well. Maybe have a quick talk with him about how many calls or texts a day you think is appropriate? Good luck!
With girls, -if they are unaware or haven't dated foreign guys before- suggesting a few times not to talk about it usually works. They are often quite keen to accept that. Otherwise programming the mind to let those talks in one ear and out the other does it. I guess it would probably work the same way with guys.
Hope u get some insight from women but anyway..... I think relationships can be intensely complicated and if u throw in a cultural chasm with acres of room for misunderstanding it can get even more so. Maybe it will feel a bit uncomfortable for u to state what seems so obvious to your good self but I think just be upfront with the guy. Tell him ur not used to talking about marriage etc so soon into a fledgling relationship. U prefer to take it easy and see what develops.
best of luck and I expect u to name ur first-born "David"!
Hi Rachel - we were just the opposite. American guy and Chinese girl. I fell in love with her at first sight (yes, it can happen) and asked her to marry me after six days! And this was after I had two divorces and had sworn off marriage. Her reaction? She laughed and thought I was being silly. I convinced her of seriousness and (three months later) she said yes. It took her father another year to say yes. We have now been married 43 years!! If it's right, it's right - no matter time frame.
Another note: difference in cultures can be a blessing and a drag. Both just have to recognize the differences and talk it out. A good marriage is the best thing in the world - and a bad marriage is ....
Rachel, another possibility is that he may feel obliged to bring it up, as that's what most girls here would expect. Very few of us understand the cultural differences we're dealing with to their full extend, and with us being the guests we may have already tried a bit harder to understand the culture we have traveled across the globe for to visit/live in.
@JJ and Janice.........I love ur story!!
Yes JJ and Janice that is such a lovely story, its nice to hear that things can work out in the end.
ksmcqueen, also a really great story! That totally sounds like something I would have done if I was still super fresh here.
You know to be honest, it's not really that talk of marriage like freaks me out, it is more confusing than anything. Like, I just don't know what to make of it:we just met, and unless your JJ and Janice its probably not gonna work out! But I think lihaizi brings up a good point, that maybe this kind of talk is more expected, maybe more so like an unfamiliar type of flirting, and less so any kind of concrete-plan making.
This is all really helpful haha thanks guys