Is this just weird or is it a Chinese thing?
My Chinese family feels that I need to work instead of taking care of my son so they wish to adopt him so I can go back to my country together with my Chinese wife and work for 4-5 years so I can come back and give them some mianzi and then take care of my son... Is it just me or are all fucking Chinese people retarded and crazy?
First of all, would it even be possible from a legal stand point? My son is a Swedish citizen and so am I. My wife is a Chinese citizen.
Second, what the fuck?
This sounds like normal Chinese family to me. Grandparents raise the kids so you can maximise your career. While you are still young enough.
Over a lifetime and extra promotion can give a lot more security.
Remember there are no welfare services like back in Europe.
Chinese often leave the kids back in the village while mum and dad go and work in the city, maybe getting home for spring festival, if they are lucky.
It might sound crazy, in fact it probably is. There is a problem with the mental health of many of the kids left behind. This is of concern to the Chinese government and has been reported in the media.
Wise? Perhaps not.
If you think that's strange, my wife asked me if her brother could adopt our bun in the oven, since he hasn't been able to have his own for a couple of years...um...no....and I DO NOT want to try to seed his wife - for you smarty pants out there...and...NO - you're not an option either...
The other thing is that my wife wants to get a divorce if I don't agree to this bullshit... she says that she can't have a life if we have a kid in it all the time... and I am like "What the fuck?" since we both decided to have a kid... and I want to be a part of my sons life as much as possible. He is the only thing I care about. When I am around her family they don't even let me play with my son, always taking him away from me and think I am selfish that I want to spend time with him. They do get angry if I take him out alone just to have some nice alone time with him... getting really annoyed and I've started to have "bad-China-days" everyday recently.
I wish all the best for you and hope that everything works out. However, I would say, get a divorce and take your son and run away as fast as you can! Chinese family values are very different from Western culture. Where as we unless under extreme circumstances would never separate the family, the typical Chinese don't feel the same way. It is not that they don't love their children or value family, it is just that they feel parents should sacrifice everything to make as much money as possible to give to their children.
Obviously despite your wife's family being open enough to let their daughter marry a foreigner (or maybe they saw more potential in you as a wage earner), they are not open to your family values. Maybe now they are starting to realize you are not what they were expecting in terms of making money and is using your son as a bargaining tactic.
If you are unwilling to succumb, (since they more than likely will not change their view from the look of things) then things will only get worse since they will eventually lose hope that you will change you ways and start seeing you as a looser and treat you accordingly.
I don't want so say that most Chinese people are "gold-diggers" but they do place more emphasis on financial security and the finer things that money can provide. This is perhaps what they saw in you as a foreigner which to their dismay, you did not live to expectations.
It's too late for you now but this is the reason why every person I consider developing a relationship with I say, I'm planning on staying in China for a long time because I owe a lot of money back home. If we have kids they will have to register under your hukou and grow up in China. If he/she is smart enough, than maybe when they hit college age I might be able to send him/her back home to study, if we save enough money together...And see how fast they run away. They one's that stay are the ones who have potential.
Anyway, I hope everything works out for you.
damn i feel sorry for you. really.
she wants a divorce if she won't let the family keep it? lol.
book the next flight back to sweden or go to another asian country 'cause this is only phase 1 of the drama your having.
phase 2 is gon' be your wife and her family talkin' shit about you saying that you should abide to chinese culture.
phase 3 is gon' be you actually having to deal with your wife and her family's bs everyday in gray china.
phase 4 is gon' divorce plus a fight in court for ur wife and her family to keep the kid
phase 5 is gon' be you being the big loser.
fight back. tell them in the western world, this shit is unacceptable.
if they continue being douche's, then get the fuck outta there.
Thanks for stating the obvious guys (not being sarcastic here) really, kind of makes me realize a few things. The last comment by Daliluver made me laugh, it is so much like the shit I am already taking everyday.
Tonyaod, the only reason I had my child in Sweden was just to fuck them over if we would fight about custody in the future. My son is a Swedish citizen, no one in my wifes family has workcertificates, they are just slacking of back home talking about their next meal and playing Majiang all day. Which means I have the legal right to full custody. No way I am signing any papers that would make any in in her family a legal guardian or what ever. Actually (we are not registered as a married couple in China and my son has no papers showing that he is my wifes son.) No way I am changing my future plans for a twisted idea that I am supposed to provide for the whole family... I mean, sure, I can stick some money to her parents when they are old and might even be willing to let them stay with me in Sweden but fuck... apparently my wifes uncle called us 堕落 the other day. Nice word, will use it in the future, but I was about to burst and fucking smash the guy straight into the wall. I just pretended I didn't understand and made her family lose even more face through misguided comments the whole evening instead.
I have studied Chinese and the Chinese culture for 6 years but the shit you face everyday when you live in a nongmin-family... should really be on the first page of any beginners textbook. At least when I start teaching Chinese at uni in the future. One advice to anyone reading this, don't fucking get married to a Chinese girl, sure, they are built for pleasure, but used they turn into something more like a butplugg with thorns. Just a warning...
Låter riktigt illa... But why would you want to raise your kid in Kunming? I know the schools in Sweden aren't all that good but at least the teachers don't hit the kids and it's less competition. Why don't you bring her back to Sweden? She would be able to make a whole lot more money working in Sweden.
Swedish Guy: Feel sorry for you - - and hope everything works out. Seems like you're getting LOTS of advice so you just need to decide what's best for you and your son. As far as her family - - if they are "no-class" not much you can do about them.
However, not all Chinese marriages wind up bad. I have been married to a wonderful Chinese lady for 40 years and we have had a great multi-cultural life.
Good Luck - - Cheers - - JJ
Thanks JJ, actually my advice above was mostly based on biased frustration at the time. Internet is a wonderful, somewhat anonymous way to let some of the preasure out.
I do beleive a Chinese and "western" marriage can end up in a perfect and long lasting one. I guess you need some important ingredients first such as mutual respect, trust etc. some of which, it seems, we are lacking at the moment. The one advice I will take to heart (this might be somewhat Swenglish) is this one "The only real responsibility, is the one we have to our children." and indeed, my sons well being has to go first at all times.
AnnAurora: We have actually lived in Sweden for more than a year, it was way to hard for us to live there. Hard to get a job since I have mostly done academic work in the past. For her, you can't get a job in Sweden unless you learn Swedish. Actually way more rasism in Sweden too. So my wife is kind of doomed to study Swedish for a few years before she can, hopefully, get a green card, thus not having to pay the new tuition fee all non-European Union students have to pay starting from this year. Can't really pay 9-13.5 wan a year on a normal Swedish salary either. Another problem being her uni diploma. It's not recognized by Swedish authorities, thus redusing her effectively to a the status of "high school graduate" which kind of sucks after a few years at Yunnan Normal.
Anyway guys, just needed to let out some steam, I really appreciate every advice you gave me!