do you really have to tolerate certain cultures that make you uncomfortable just because? when at dinner table you are never suppose to touch the food first before the elders, not even drinks,and you are expected to fill other's cups first before your own, by not doing so you are acting impolitely. I got yelled at by my laws when I simply filled my own cup without filling up the other 10 some guests at our dinner table! worst of all, it is considered rude and impolite when someone offer you a beer or a cigarette at the table, if you say no, you make them "lose face", all this happened at chinese weddings I've attended, where everybody smoked and drank of course, which is repulsive to me, but to accept their offering when I don't smoke or drink, and pour drinks for everyone else is simply ridiculous, I have tried to explain it to my in laws that it isn't what we do in our culture, and they act like I make them "lose face," do this happen all the time with others? especially those who are married into a yunnnan family? and how do you deal with it? ...simply telling them no just isn't good enough....

Pour a few drinks maybe? Not a big deal as far as i can see, you are in China after all, and you're married into a Chinese family so you should probably try and 'tolerate' certain things. Not accepting cigarettes/booze shouldn't be a problem. If your in-laws are pissed that you refuse to smoke/drink, it's their problem. Yelling at you? Your in-laws sound like they suck.

The pouring drinks thing is perfectly acceptable, I am surprised you consider this an imposition! But the smoking and drinking... very strange that your in laws want you to accept these all the time considering a lot of Chinese people don't as well. I take it you say "Wo bu hui" to the offers? Tell your in laws they just to accept you don't drink and smoke. If that doesn't work, buy some licorice/strong beer/wine/ice cream/bread (whatever you know they don't like) and make them eat it when you offer it to them in public. I did this by serving up to them a spaghetti pasta meal early on in my relationship, which made them realise how very different we are!

Next time, accept their drinks, and drink them under the table. Keep offering them more and more toasts and drinks until they are vomiting, and passed out close to death. Next time, they will not offer you drinks.

lol you didnt expect to move to china and carry on your own cultures ways, at weddings etc as well you should be following there custom as their big day....

non smokers always moaning lol

Someone was asking a question about marrying a chinese woman on another post a few weeks ago. Here is a good example. When you get married to a chinese woman make sure she is prepared to move away from her family as soon as you get married. China is a big country so move to another province after you get married. Visit relatives once a year and you can live happily ever after.

@HFCAMPO
Wise words! Best to marry an orphan...until it's time to have kids - in-laws make great free baby-sitters...REVENGE TIME!

I would turn the game around, if you want to get your point across.
Whatever Chinese demand from you just obsessively overdo it.

Plus the pouring drinks thing is not meant to be going on all night. Whenever I am at formal dinners or occassions I never have to do it more than once or twice. When I am in a good mood, I sometimes give them a little (no offense to all french people out there) "70's French waiter" impression. Cigarette in the corner of my mouth and totally overacting to be a waiter in french dive in 70's paris. As most Chinese love any sort of performance, they totally enjoy the slapstick parts. Once I even was asked to keepit down a bit becasue it took to much attention away from the games they played at that wedding.

My point is, try to have fun with it, or try to find some smart ways to bail out.

About the smoking drinking thingy, I live in China for about 15 years and I was never pushed to drink or smoke after the point, when I made clear I don't want to do it. Did they try to, for sure, but there is always a way out.

Just don't show any hesitation when you are offered, a quick and stern (though polite) "wo bu hui, xie xie" alwasy did it for me. Also not my favourite a white lie, is alwasy helpful. Say you a religious, just choose any, religion, they don't know the rules.

About always blindly accepting Chinese culture I also don't think that will work. You are not Chinese and there is nothing wrong on showing people that.

Accepting everything will not work. And in my experience doing so Chinese family or friends will go on and even promote you loving something you hate. Becasue they saw you smoke, drink, eat chicken a**, after they forced you, with the argument "I saw him eat, drink, smoke...yeah he likes it a lot."Of course leaving out the fact that they gave you that stupid gei wo mianze crap.
Plus it's the 21st century and China promotes itself as this harmonious, foreign loving super country, so nail them to it, just be polite and/or (objectively) funny. If you stick it in their face it will blow up in yours, (pun not intended).

Anyway in short most of the stuff you can avoid by having fun with it, being creative, or use a few tricks to avoid 'em.
I never had to do anything I didn't want. And I don't smoke, never drink baijiu, don't drink tea, I don't visit prostitutes, I even was vegan for a while, and I don't like singing. Not the best traits when partying with Chinese folks. But I still got out of it, without letting others lose face.

@culture
Yeah man your in-laws seem to be the 'jackpot'.
If they can, on a non social moment just sit down with them and explain it, talk to them together with your wife, that worked for me a few times.

Plus blobbles idea is pretty cool, doesn;t even need to go that extreme, just mentioning that that is how you feel everytime you feel when you have to fit in, should get them into your shoes for a little bit.

@laotou
agreed, but they also tend to spoil the kids, which we are, in the end will have to pay for.

But I can't wait to recruit them to take care of our kid, spoinling or not. lol

To be honest though all my ex's parents and my in laws are awesome. Sure they try to promote their culture but with a bit of talking and trying, they saw the effort and me being here for a long time as a sign of "Yeah, he already knows most of the stuff we are trying to teach him" and let me of the hook.
The Chinese culture is not as complex as it seems.

I think there are about 10 major socializing rules, includng the pouring tea thingy, and if you work with that you can already show off how chinese you are. I found the "Chinese main culture" quite primitive but also fascinating at the same time. But the minority culture, is so much more intense and fascinating becasue it's much more diverse and more special even from village to village.
I really like that Yunnan minority culture.

They will ultimately have to pay for spoiling their kids. Unfortunately so will anyone else who comes into contact with them. Wait till the generation of emperors start wanting to consume the world. It will be their kids who will have to save the planet.
Like the world doesn't have enough whiney babies. 'they make me till the elders have been served first', boo hoo. Like waiting for the head of the table to be seated. We used to call that manners back home.