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Help Me Locate My Son

laotou (1714 posts) • 0

It's easy to point fingers - but at least @J cares enough for his children to want to try to re-unite his family as best as possible. The issue is not @j's character, but the two children, so shall we refrain from further muckraking and focus on the family?

As noted by @outsider - you're in an untenable position.

Without US citizenship or any proof of parenthood (birth certificate, hospital certificate with YOUR name on it somewhere, or something similarly useful identifying you as a legal parent and or guardian), the US embassy cannot and will not assist or intervene on your behalf. I seriously doubt they'll offer advice aside from "get an attorney" - and if you're extremely lucky - they MIGHT give you some dubious referrals.

The best solution is to try to negotiate with your estranged wife's parents or closest immediate family and let the family pressure the daughter into at least negotiating with you or negotiate on her behalf. You may want to start off with three (3) months of living expenses for her and the child (¥30k?) - but best to seek advice of an attorney first - if possible. She's already been in hiding for two months, so, assuming you trust her family - you may want to pony up some cash to smooth her life out - reduce the stress for all stakeholders - it's the right thing to do - but most US attorneys would recommend against this as it would set a precedent of ¥10k per month in child support and alimony.

In return, ask the family to send pictures (current or recent from the last two months) of at least your son so you'll know he's healthy and being treated well - but to be magnanimous - also try to get photos of your estranged wife - for the same reasons - you know she's healthy and all things considered, is well. Email, hard copy whatever.

I vaguely recall you mentioned something about HK a while back - so you may want to go with some reputable HK attorneys with certified licenses to practice in China. Chinese attorneys vary widely from mere paper pushing clerks to paralegal types - difficult to find true strategist attorneys aka attorneys with experience in battle plans. This will be expensive. I vaguely recall the Gates (Bill Gates' parents) family has a law firm in HK - Gates, and some other partners...but I'm sure they'll be rather pricey.

Good attorneys will strive for a reconciliation first - and with the fall back to divorce and or separation procedures as necessary.

I'm not sure why she took one child and left the other - but if she's the birth mother of both - that's an act of desperation. Your first actions will have to be lowering the stress level - so again, I suggest you begin with offering to provide a steady stream of financial support to her and your son through the parents - if they'll accept it - no strings attached (well - maybe just the "let's talk when you're ready" door) - then you're off to a good start - but it will be a long protracted process with no winners unless you can reconcile. Most single moms I met in Beijing were stubbornly adamant that divorce was their only option - but when conversations meandered - it was obvious some of their husbands really wanted reconciliation - so expect the worst - hope for the best.

As your second son is also not a US citizen - I'm sorry to inform you, you're in yet another untenable position - you cannot leave the country with him - that will definitely be considered kidnapping - so, now you're somewhat permanently anchored in china until this plays out or you manage to somehow resolve your second son's status. This will be extremely problematic for schools, insurance (required for school), hospital visits, etc unless you have his ID card and hopefully Hukou (family registration book?). This will be frustrating so a good attorney can help do many of these things for you. You may want to query the Aurora biz that advertises on here occasionally (search gokm for them). they may be able to assist with some of these things also - to include family attorney referrals.

You'll definitely need a reputable attorney familiar with Chinese family law, divorce, etc. They can also provide leads to detective or investigation services. If you use these kinds of services - ensure they are polite and non-threatening - and as nice and non-confrontational as humanly possible.

Regrettably - this is going to be rather expensive for you, regardless of how the scenario plays out.

Best wishes and regrets over your situation. I hope you're both able to eventually overcome this difficult time in life and ultimately re-unite happily for all concerned.

laotou (1714 posts) • 0

that guy you mentioned is in a slightly different situation - he's the registered birth father. @jonathon may not have the luxury of such documentation.

JonathanMiller (76 posts) • 0

EnglishTeacher -

I apologize that when trolling through the personal ads you found these ads exciting and that you were not intelligent enough to realize that they were jokes.

I don't have time to deal with fools like you - please find something else to do with your time.


JonathanMiller (76 posts) • 0

Thanx Outsider -

I have contacted the US Consulate which has not been very helpful.

I am starting to see that hiring a private investigator is the best route, but have been warned that there are a lot of scams.


JonathanMiller (76 posts) • 0

Laotou -

Thank you - it is sad that EnglishTeacher has nothing better to do than look at personal ads and hate on people...

I am registered as the father on both of the boys birth certificates.

Yes, the Consulate provided some very poor referrals re lawyers. When, through my own efforts, I did located what seemed to be a quality lawyer their response was contact the police - who who were not helpful.

I appreciate the additional suggestions and, if I am able to contact her family members, will try your suggested route.

thank you


laotou (1714 posts) • 0

An attorney who tells you to contact the police yourself is a poor businessman - and you DEFINITELY don't want this kind of laziness representing you. It's an asian blow-off.

As mentioned - HK attorneys with licenses to practice in China are probably a more intelligent path - again caveat emptor.

It is illegal for a parent to abscond with a child in China as well as most other countries. Most police you meet are front line clerks and will do their best to blow you off or make you run around uselessly until you get pissed. Talk to the guy with the gun - ask to see a supervisor - usually the guy with the gun. The gun comes with tremendous responsibility in China - so that's the one you need advice from - not the rank and file stone heads.

Tell him you need to file a police report - otherwise it MAY look like you were involved in foul play regarding your wife and Nicholas. That's DEFINITELY the way the US keystone cops will play it out, so to protect yourself - you absolutely MUST file a report of abandonment or probably more appropriately, a missing persons report.

There have been a couple of cases of "strange" missing persons reports around where I live - recently the police plastered the area with pictures of a woman and her 10 yo son - foul play was suspected - however as you've checked with your wife's parents - it's obvious that's not the case - so a missing persons' report is your best path - the police will try to put you off - but it's been 2 months - that's plenty of cool down time (usually 24-48 hours is considered sufficient - but not sure about China laws and of course it differs by province, city, and sub-station.

You DEFINITELY need a family attorney as you WILL have problems moving your remaining son out of country, without the mother's presence. You can't even travel (internationally) without the mother's consent - although there's simple ways around that - since these laws are internationally enforced by morons. So you'll need the missing persons report to support your case of abandonment - in the USA it's 7 years to have her declared legally dead (presuming no contact) to have a marriage legally annulled - here I don't know.

Again - best wishes for a best case solution.

YuantongsiYuantongsi (717 posts) • 0

Apart from filing a missing persons report with the police you should start to register your kids as American citizens and later get them a passport. You can register them yourself, but you will need to show full legal custody before they will issue a passport, if the mother won't sign the passport application.

You should also start to file in the courts for legal custody, you need a lawyer for this, plus a few years (unless the mother changes her mind).

In Kunming the PSB won't issue a visa for a kid born in China with a Chinese parent, no matter what passport they have. So to leave China on an American passport you will need an exit permit for the kids.

In theory if you have legal custody you can then get an exit permit and take the kids out of China, but from a friend' s recent experience, the police won't issue a exit permit unless the other (Chinese) parent agrees and attends with you when you apply for the exit permit.

Good luck, I guess you will need at least 2 years to get this all done if the mother doesnt play ball.

JonathanMiller (76 posts) • 0

I want to thank you all for helping...

I would like to add that since both boys were born they have lived with me, not their mother, and that I have taken responsibility for both the boys when their mother, to whom I have never been married was not willing to do so.

We moved to Kunming so that the children could be near their mother and that she could be a part of their lives.

Nicholas was taken from our home when Chen Li was visiting and I was not home.

Not only do I miss my son, but I am concerned about the environment that he may be living in, that he is receiving proper food and care and that, now that he is of age, that he is receiving a proper education.

Your continued support is very much appreciated.


bosnianXCII (36 posts) • 0

Jonathan I am very sad for your losing your two sons, it is very painful, I know. I also have problem that we can help eachother. I am Prince Amko Loromqi of the Yoruba tribe, and my father in law wants more retribution for his daughter. He has lied to the government and tells them I have kidnapped her from his tribe. They now have frozen my $24 million USD from my family's diamond company. If I can put the money in your account for 2 weeks while I travel outside Nigeria to get it, you will be rewarded 10% of my savings. Maybe then you can hire good professionals to find your sons. I know a banker that will transfer the money to overseas account, but he tells me I must pay $2000 for the transfer. If you can pay this and give me your bank routing number we will be helping eachother and we will both be able to see our families.

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